Adult Children? How did that happen?
If you are a parent, there is an inevitable fact that one day, your children will be adults… and I don’t know about you, but this was not really something I had really thought about until it happened!
Back in those early days of decision making about parenthood, it was the baby years that were in the forefront of my thinking… sleepless nights, feeding, generally keeping them alive and healthy while staying sane and enjoying life! Needless to say, I both survived and loved those early years. As a teacher, I had been surrounded by children for years, and therefore, seeing my own go through nursery and into school felt like a familiar routine and every year or so I would find myself saying ‘Actually this is my favourite phase!’
The endless taxiing and supporting every new hobby or venture, seems for a while to take over your life! I can remember juggling dancing, cooking, art classes, cricket and athletics as well as weekend football and lifts to voluntary placements and Saturday jobs. But it is these very experiences that mould our little humans into amazing adults and parents into multi-tasking heroes!
Parenthood is certainly a succession of phases, each with its joys and challenges and on the whole, it’s the joys that we remember and revisit through photos and reminiscing and it’s the challenges that we learn from and find a way to laugh about rather than cry!
I never thought I would say it, but even those dreaded teenage years? There was great fun and wonder to be had in watching our children become mini adults, morphing into grown up humans with their own opinions, personalities and dreams. Yes, there was a whole new set of parenting skills and language to learn but on the whole, we all emerged unscathed!
And me? Before I knew it, I was the parent of 2 adults! How could I not see this coming? It hit me like a sledge hammer and took over much of my thinking in the year that my eldest headed off to University. For me, this was when, to use the term coined by Brene Brown, my midlife unravelling began…
Who was I now?
What did motherhood mean at this time?
What were the rules and what did being a parent of an adult look like?
What would come next?
It’s a subject that has often come up with clients and of course with friends - those long standing ones who were thrown together in antenatal classes, babysitting groups and the school PTA… all finding ourselves as the parents of fully fledged chicks at the same time… we all discovered new freedoms but also felt a whole range of emotions around the fact that something seemed to be coming to an end.
A new family ‘normal’ evolved for us that entailed negotiating finances - who would pay for what and when the time was right to find a job. We supported future plans for careers, education and independent living. We established boundaries that worked for all of us around privacy, socialising, drinking and relationships. Household chores and responsibilities were certainly discussed, even if this didn’t always go to plan… A few years in and communication and family life including holidays, has settled into a pattern that works for all of us and ensures quality time even though we live apart. I know that what has evolved for us is different from every other family and isn’t that just the joy of families? You get to decide between you what works for you.
And now, with my two in their twenties, I can honestly still say, ‘This is my favourite phase!’ once again. There is a wonder in watching your children become their own people (and to squirm when they realise how much they are like you!)… Watching them find their voice and their place in the world as they live and work independently is a joy, but you know what? Those apron strings are mighty stretchy and being around for them when they need you and they are pulled back to you is the best feeling of all.
I know that we all make mistakes with our children, just as our parents didn’t always get it right. We tend to take each day as it comes and figure things out as we go. But we can never anticipate every possible scenario so maybe this is exactly as it should be. But if your young people are heading towards independence and being fully fledged adults, know that it is a beginning as well as an ending…
My grown up family gathered together on holiday last week after so many months of Covid-19 getting in the way. We walked and talked and played games and ate together and it was wonderful. Would I go back to faddy eating, the school run or managing temper tantrums? Certainly not - I quite like this phase…
And for those of you who are not there yet, enjoy the phase that you are in, hug your children tight in the knowledge that the next phase and the next are also going to be amazing.
Jo x